Momentous Event

Right at this moment, the credits are rolling on the worst movie ever to grace a movie theater's crushed velvet seats and floor sticky with "butter-ish" topping.

That's right, people; say it with me: "I Know Who Killed Me"

On only rare occasions such as the one presented me today would one actually sit through the following 89 minutes after the first sixty seconds ably communicated exactly how awful this fiesta de Lohan would truly be.

Carissa and I just got back from a trip to Pennsylvania. Woke up early, drove an hour to the Philly airport + waited 1.5 hours for the plane + 45 min. actually on the plane until take-off + 1.5 hour plane ride + 1 more hour in the car to get home = me on couch with no intellectual ambition or curiousity whatsoever.

Enter the movie channel Starz' celebration of a truly awful cinematic achievement. It is as if M. Night Shamalongadingdong was 14 years old again, just watched 12 straight hours of Hitchcock in film class, and then had to make a movie in 10 days or less. And was told to ruin the careers of two legitimate actors in the process.

I'll save you some time with a brief synopsis. I swear to god I'm not making this up:

- Serial killer on the loose in Aubrey Somethingorother's (Lindsey Lohan) home town.
- Aubrey S. takes piano lessons, but is failing her true passion, which is English.
- Aubrey tells Piano Teacher she's quitting piano. Long pause on Teacher's incredibly random and odd bright blue ring.
- Aubrey disappears. Tortune porn scenes of her in some dude's basement ensue. Lots of blue everywhere
- Aubrey found in ditch sans one hand and one foot. A little blue everywhere
- Aubrey wakes up, but says she's Dakota Anothersomethingorother, a stripper whose crackhead mother OD'd and left her $11. Lots of blue.
- Aubrey's family and FBI think she's (a) psycho, or (b) messing with them. More blue.
- Aubrey's boyfriend is totally unashamed about having sex with this not-Aubrey-Dakota in a haze of blue.
- Dakota goes back to stripping and her finger falls off mid-pole-dance. Guess what color the lights are.
- Dakota intuitively figures out that (a) she has a twin, (b) her twin, the real Aubrey, is still alive and kidnapped by Serial Killer, and (c) she suffers from Twin's Stigmata (stab the one and the other bleeds, or say.. cut one's finger, the other's falls off). Before falling off, her finger turns blue.
- Aubrey's father paid Crackhead Mom for her baby in the hospital after Julia Ormond's miscarriage leaves them babyless. Julia Ormond, despite crazy street smarts from hooking up with Richard Gere while married to Sean Connery, has no clue. Richard Gere's eyes are blue.
- Dakota's stigmata lead her and her faux-dad to the cemetery where a sudden bought of asthma convinces her Aubrey is buried alive in a glass coffin, the color of which rhymes with "clue".
- Faux-dad dies a not-so-faux death; Dakota cuts off Blue Serial Killer's hand with the same Blue Knife he used to cut off her hand and foot.
- Blue Serial Killer is shockingly revealed to be (ghasp!) The Piano Teacher (no way!). He has a massive prosthetic fetish.
- Dakota finds Aubrey in a coffin. Somewhere. Somehow. Credits roll. Mercifully.

And now I know by what standards I will judge any movie starring Eddie Murphy from now on.

One review on IMDB says it all: "If you do decide to spend money to see this movie, send me the cash instead, I will then hit you in the groin, you will enjoy it more."